Friday, July 28, 2006

addendum to yesterday's post: why i love my family

this is an email i sent my sister about 2 days ago. the red text is her response:

I’m doing well enough, but even then it’s temporary. Ten more months and I’ll be back East J Can’t wait!! I had quite the rude awakening a couple nights ago. Vinny has been seeing one of our mutual friends, yay me! He either started seeing her the moment I left Germany (I’ve only been gone 3 weeks, and they’ve been bumping uglies for longer than that), or possibly before I departed. Yeah, that hurt a lot seeing his brand new pictures on What a sick fuck. He could have been a man and let me down easily. What a complete jackass, but you know what? It’s my fault. I should have stuck to my guns when I had my initial gut feeling about him way back when…all that drama aside, it’s nice no longer to have to constantly please him. He was high maintenance, had an expensive palate, but hated paying for things…yeah. Tina can take care of him now J

Anyway, found a place (hence the new home email), but I am going solo. I’d get a roommate, but with me leaving in 10 months, that’s not really fair to whomever I recruit.

I really really miss you!! how are you doing? What have ya’all been up to????

That’s okay Jen. Know you know him for what he really is. Sounds like they were both made for each other. He probably thinks he is “da man” but he is nothing but a dumbass. I didn’t like how you said he constantly praised his x around you all the time. If I had a been around and he said that to you, I would’ve lit him up! Thank God for karma J Well, at least you’re single and worth every bit more than what he will ever be J That’s cool about the new digs. How’s the job? How are the people? Is the food good? I know that’s one thing I am looking forward to is some decent food, good prices, and decent sized portions. Bwahaha. Well take care of yourself Nener!


if i haven't said so before, my eldest sister is the greatest thing since sliced bread. actually, my entire family is. it's times like this that i can appreciate how lucky i am.

a nasty little thing called a reality check

**sidenote: i dedicate this post to alison. without your kick in the ass, i wouldn't have made a post probably for another couple of weeks. i owe you some margaritas the next time i'm back east.

i had a rude awakening two nights ago. i found out most undelicately that ***** is seeing a mutual friend. apparently, this dalliance has been going on since i stepped foot off the continent, if not longer. talk about a slap in the face. wait, more like a bitch slap and a karate chop and a clitorectomy all in one fell swoop.

granted, it's none of my business who he dates. initially, though, i was hopeful, yet cautious when we spent my first week in the states calling each other every day and sending text messages at night. and then all the weirdness happened and i didn't know what to make of it. once he didn't return my phone call or my text message, i knew something was awry, and that something gave birth to a nagging stomach ache that lasted my entire 3-day cross-country journey to minot. i felt awful the entire time.

i sent him a courtesy message to ask him how he was doing and if everything was alright with he and his daughter. he read it, but did not respond.

i sent him another message a week later acknowledging the death of our relationship. he read it. no response.

ouch. that hurt worse than being kicked to the curb...

i understand things end, but they shouldn't have to end without rhyme or reason. no closure for me. it's over now, has been for two weeks. when i saw the photos and announcements of his "new sexy woman," i had to coax myself not to vomit. i know it's not my business who he dates, but i'll be a good god damned liar if i said it didn't hurt the fuck out of me, seeing him with our mutual friend, snuggled up, seeing a picture of her with his daughter that he dotingly captioned, "the two prettiest girls in germany." well, if you're a woman, and if you're a woman scorned, you can probably relate to my angst. my libido is gone, the first time in 3 years, which is when ugly and i broke-up. i don't know if it's because i loved ***** or if my pride is shattered, or a fucked-up combination thereof. who knows. who cares. it's not exactly an original universal lament...

our friend (i don't know how she feels about me; maybe he's done his bit of badmouthing...) is a good person for all intents and purposes, albeit sorting through a very confusing time in her life. i can't take this course of action as any attempt of mean-spiritedness on her behalf. certainly it's weird, but he was on the market. if there was anything between the two of them while we were together, i'd rather not be privvy to those circumstances to say the least. i'm sick of having my stomach tied up in knots over somebody who wanted so badly for me to make him happy, yet was so unbelievably unhappy with each of my attempts. i also can't allow myself to feel too heart-sick over somebody who clearly cares so little for me and my feelings despite the outcome of things.

***** once urged me to meet his daughter, who lives with her mother during the school year and spends her summers with him. i told him several times i couldn't hack it, the thought of doing so made my chest feel tight. i told him this. several times. he confronted me one day, near to crocodile tears, which i must have confused for actual emotion, "it really hurts that you don't want to meet my daughter when she comes for the summer..."

"it's not that i don't want to meet her," i interjected. "i'm sure she's a wonderful little girl. i just don't know if i'm ready to cope with that aspect of your life right now..." (in not so many words, mind you)

his eyes feeling with tears, he responds in a voice so stricken and crackled with pseudo-pain he can barely issue a single utterance, "it hurts because she's the best part about me."

thus my rant for all the shitty things i chose to deal with (please note, that if your name starts with a "z" and ends with an "r" and is comprised of six letters total, your responses aren't necessary. i might not be with *****, but that doesn't change the fact i never want to speak to you as long as your worthless shell of a body is occupying 20 cubed feet of earth.). his current flame, she's a smart girl and will have him figured out long before i did. one day, i bet we'll even sip some wine together and have a good laugh. other than that, i have learned alot in the past several months, which is pretty much when things began the downhill slide into pure fucked-upness. i have learned what truly makes an unhealthy relationship. i have learned to honor my gut instinct. and even though i always resented him for thinking he knew more than he actually did, i have learned there was one thing he was definitely right about...

the only good thing about that sick fuck is his little girl.