Thursday, July 20, 2006

it's 4 a.m. and i can't sleep because...

i hate mormons. well, "mormons" is an all-encompassing label i use to describe those individuals so deeply rooted to their faith they cease to become rational human beings; in short, mormons. it is 4 a.m. local time, and i'm hot to the core over this hideously little-house-on-the-prairie attired family comprised of mother (think lacquered helmet head-bob in front with crystal gail locks in back), father (horsey looking and squeamishly identical in appearance to mother), and there one, two, three, four....fourteen, yesssssss - fourteen kids with another crumb thief on the way.

how can this quaint little family make me bite my nails to the quick? because the parents are neglecting their children. sure, responsibility is good for kids, and of course i have all the answers having no direct experience myself. however, each of these children is responsible for the welfare of the next youngest, consecutively speaking. these young girls, festooned in dresses with puff sleeves bigger than their bodies, haven't time to play barbies between running around after the little ones, home school, no t.v., no internet, laundry-laundry-and-more-laundry, and cooking meals large enough to feed an army. holy fuck, i hail from a rather large family with more than my fair share of responsibility, but i don't recall my parents forsaking my childhood by displacing so much burden on my young shoulders. sure, i babysat. sure, i was expected to chip in with housekeeping. sure, i was cooking on the stove by the time i was eight. but holy fuck, i also had plenty of time to have fun: movies, t.v., swimming lessons, barbies, tree houses, ghost in the graveyard, riding my bike, and boys.

maybe my abhorence for these parents is something psychologically embedded within the closed confined of my personality. like all families, mine is no different. it is true, we have our own platoon of fucked-upness living somewhere in rural michigan. some people would hasten to call them aunt, uncle, cousins. we mostly chuckle good naturedly behind the backs of this bible thumping god squad as they have long since eschewed all things modern and rational for something quite controversial, which has gone so far as "disowning" certain members of the extended family.

my aunt, though i prefer to think of her as "hypocritical bitch", provides homeschooling to my nine cousins. you're probably thinking she has some credentials to accomplish this undertaking. sure, she has a high school diploma and a whole lot of christian fortitude to see her through. twice a year, this crazy would generate extensive newsletters, each paragraph highlighting each child's excessive accomplishments, to note a few: violin and viola lessons, bible baseball, the burying of the placenta from the last delivery in the back yard as a science project for the younger kids (i kid thee not - my family and i laughed for days...), canning (for the young ladies, so they can learn their place in life), and of cours, child rearing went to my oldest cousin.

although i have not seen the eldest since i was 13, i felt terribly bad for the girl. here i was, a foul-mouthed, boy crazy teen lashing out at every second, and my parents were constantly tearing their hair out over my antics. here was my antithesis, in the form of my cousin - smart, progressive, mature; we visited them one time (in fact, the last time i saw them), and she had made a lovely cake by scratch. i'm not talking from the carton, but from flour, and all that other shit you throw into homemade cake batter. what did the her mother (a.k.a., hypocritical bitch) have to say: "this cake is terrible, *********! it's lumpy!!" i thought my own mom, whom i felt trumped all mean mommy mannerisms, was going to cry for my cousin......

so. i think i'm ready to make a descent from my soapbox. damn those crazy mormons!!