Tuesday, January 17, 2006

color me once....color me twice

today i cried. not at work, no. at home. i got home, removed my BDU blouse, went to the loo and started crying while i was on the pot, my pants around my feet. it was a gentle kind of crying.

then, after i was finished relieving myself, i righted my attire, washed my hands, paroled my pantlegs from their blousing straps. then i sat on my bed and continued right on crying. it started out eerily calm at first, gradually escalating until i was sobbing into the afghan my late grandma crocheted, a strata of her favorite color combination: lilac, teal, and cream.

i sobbed for a good fifteen minutes. and, as mysteriously as this fit began, it ended. as soon as i was finished, i detangled my fingers from the throw, left my bed, and fixed my face up in the bathroom mirror. why did i cry? i don't know. ever since i can remember, this happens every 2 to 3 years. there are times when i PMS and i'll be overly sensitive for about a day, but this is different. once when i was seventeen, i was gripped by this melancholy for about 3 or 4 hours. why? no reason and every reason -- family, love life, friends, work, feelings of failure, feelings of joy, fear, excitement, anxiety...everything; an emotional overload. once the moment has passed, everything in the world is right and i'm back on balance.

i feel better now, but i have a shitty headache. i texted ***** after my episode, and he called me back right away. he probably thought i was a bit humdrum, but it takes a lot of energy to cry like that, and i just couldn't put any pep in my voice. he mentioned doing something tomorrow or thursday. i conceded for plans on thursday before excusing myself to read a novel (jane eyre, which is pretty entertaining so far).

as cleansed as i feel, i hate crying because it gives me a vicious headache -- and no wonder, too! i'm a little dehydrated after that deluge.

other than crying like a newborn, i ran into eh-vee-vee while enrolling for class. being that i was in an incredibly blah mood, i made small talk about this and that, and somehow, astrology or the chinese zodiac came up; i think i breached the subject. turns out, eh-vee-vee reads palms. she was pretty modest about it, but good gravy, she has a knack for it. plus it was a nice little diversion from feeling humdrum, blah......also, i enjoyed a nice walk in the rain. i love walking in the rain. it's like crying, only i find it acceptable to walk in the rain in front of others, whereas crying should be regarded as a highly private practice.

while i was walking in the rain, i kept playing that song by violent femmes' "color me once" in my head. that's the anthem for mellow, blah, and humdrum days. i love listening to that song when i get in one of my moods -- over and over again. it's like massaging a bruise.

i got kind of an unexpected surprise. i was headed out to lunch today when one of my co-workers from a neighboring office asked where i was headed.

me: the chow hall for lunch. why?

hands: oh, i'll go with you.

me: (caught off guard because i've never gone to lunch with hands by myself; he's a great guy, don't get me wrong, i've just never gone to lunch with him alone) um, okay. i'm going with brookie, but she won't mind if you come along.

hands: oh....okay. i'll meet you two over there.

me: okay.

brookie and i didn't run into hands, but we had a chill lunch; perfect for a humdrum day. on my way back to the office, i ran into hands. he got caught up with work. i wonder if he was just asking to come along to be nice? hmmmmmm.

during my phone call with ***** this evening, he asked me if my ears were ringing today because he had been talking about me. other than saying it wasn't bad, he pretty much refused to tell me what he said, and that rather annoyed me. i told him, "whatever. let's talk about something else." i then brought up my plans for a two-night stay in amsterdam in two weekends with brookie, her boyfriend, and a couple of other people (guys and girls, none of whom are couples). last friday, i asked ***** if he wanted to go with me, and he politely declined saying he wouldn't go since one of the girls is bringing her 2-year old son (he dismissed my invite on a moral basis). how quickly his prerogative changed when, after paraphrasing a phone conversation i'd had at work with one of the participants, i mentioned that she (the person on the phone) had too many guys going with her, and one was thinking of not joining in because he doesn't want to pay 100 euro a night for lodging. she said he'd be willing to go if he could find somebody to share a hotel room with, so i consented. usually, i like my own space, but it wouldn't hurt me to save 100 euro since i'm going to spangdahlem this weekend (and lord knows how much money i will blow on partying while i'm there), and then amsterdam, which costs and arm and a leg and a fucking torso, the following week.

all of a sudden, ***** starts asking questions like he's kind of interested in going, prefacing his newfound curiosity over the itinerary with: "i thought it was just a bunch of you girls going."

"yeah," i interjected, "but i told you brookie's boyfriend is going, too."

"but," he responded dismissively, "that's as good as a bunch of girls."

personally, i think he couldn't give a shit about the trip, and he was using that excuse about being offended by the one girl bringing her 2-year old (i candidly agree -- that's how the conversation got started) simply to spare my feelings. now, all of a sudden, he hears that i've volunteered to share a room with a guy, and his interest is piqued. this makes me think one of two things: he's more interested than he let's on (which would make me very happy to think), or somebody is feeling insecure. i'll have to express my concerns to him when i see him this thursday. as it stands, i would have been elated if he wanted to go to simply spend time with me.

i'm pretty tired now, and i'd like to make good on my promise to ***** and read some more of jane eyre before i crack the lights.