Friday, July 28, 2006

a nasty little thing called a reality check

**sidenote: i dedicate this post to alison. without your kick in the ass, i wouldn't have made a post probably for another couple of weeks. i owe you some margaritas the next time i'm back east.

i had a rude awakening two nights ago. i found out most undelicately that ***** is seeing a mutual friend. apparently, this dalliance has been going on since i stepped foot off the continent, if not longer. talk about a slap in the face. wait, more like a bitch slap and a karate chop and a clitorectomy all in one fell swoop.

granted, it's none of my business who he dates. initially, though, i was hopeful, yet cautious when we spent my first week in the states calling each other every day and sending text messages at night. and then all the weirdness happened and i didn't know what to make of it. once he didn't return my phone call or my text message, i knew something was awry, and that something gave birth to a nagging stomach ache that lasted my entire 3-day cross-country journey to minot. i felt awful the entire time.

i sent him a courtesy message to ask him how he was doing and if everything was alright with he and his daughter. he read it, but did not respond.

i sent him another message a week later acknowledging the death of our relationship. he read it. no response.

ouch. that hurt worse than being kicked to the curb...

i understand things end, but they shouldn't have to end without rhyme or reason. no closure for me. it's over now, has been for two weeks. when i saw the photos and announcements of his "new sexy woman," i had to coax myself not to vomit. i know it's not my business who he dates, but i'll be a good god damned liar if i said it didn't hurt the fuck out of me, seeing him with our mutual friend, snuggled up, seeing a picture of her with his daughter that he dotingly captioned, "the two prettiest girls in germany." well, if you're a woman, and if you're a woman scorned, you can probably relate to my angst. my libido is gone, the first time in 3 years, which is when ugly and i broke-up. i don't know if it's because i loved ***** or if my pride is shattered, or a fucked-up combination thereof. who knows. who cares. it's not exactly an original universal lament...

our friend (i don't know how she feels about me; maybe he's done his bit of badmouthing...) is a good person for all intents and purposes, albeit sorting through a very confusing time in her life. i can't take this course of action as any attempt of mean-spiritedness on her behalf. certainly it's weird, but he was on the market. if there was anything between the two of them while we were together, i'd rather not be privvy to those circumstances to say the least. i'm sick of having my stomach tied up in knots over somebody who wanted so badly for me to make him happy, yet was so unbelievably unhappy with each of my attempts. i also can't allow myself to feel too heart-sick over somebody who clearly cares so little for me and my feelings despite the outcome of things.

***** once urged me to meet his daughter, who lives with her mother during the school year and spends her summers with him. i told him several times i couldn't hack it, the thought of doing so made my chest feel tight. i told him this. several times. he confronted me one day, near to crocodile tears, which i must have confused for actual emotion, "it really hurts that you don't want to meet my daughter when she comes for the summer..."

"it's not that i don't want to meet her," i interjected. "i'm sure she's a wonderful little girl. i just don't know if i'm ready to cope with that aspect of your life right now..." (in not so many words, mind you)

his eyes feeling with tears, he responds in a voice so stricken and crackled with pseudo-pain he can barely issue a single utterance, "it hurts because she's the best part about me."

thus my rant for all the shitty things i chose to deal with (please note, that if your name starts with a "z" and ends with an "r" and is comprised of six letters total, your responses aren't necessary. i might not be with *****, but that doesn't change the fact i never want to speak to you as long as your worthless shell of a body is occupying 20 cubed feet of earth.). his current flame, she's a smart girl and will have him figured out long before i did. one day, i bet we'll even sip some wine together and have a good laugh. other than that, i have learned alot in the past several months, which is pretty much when things began the downhill slide into pure fucked-upness. i have learned what truly makes an unhealthy relationship. i have learned to honor my gut instinct. and even though i always resented him for thinking he knew more than he actually did, i have learned there was one thing he was definitely right about...

the only good thing about that sick fuck is his little girl.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Sadist said...

I'm so sorry :( I wish I had something comforting to say. At least you didn't meet his daughter and have that extra heartache to deal with, too.

12:01 PM  
Blogger pomponcrystal said...

It took me a year and a half to meet Dan's kids. I wasn't ready then, either. It's a hard thing to deal with...

I'm sorry honey. I really am.

Get you some Ben & Jerry's!

5:47 PM  
Blogger Misty_Botchery said...

um. i DID meet his daughter. in fact, we all spent a considerable amount of time together my last few weeks there. oh well, lesson learned.

no ben'n jerry's for me; too little appetite...thanks for the sympathy though, ladies. means a lot...

10:21 PM  
Blogger Alison said...

Jeni all I can say is THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS. I mean I know know know KNOW the hurt you're going through but come on... this guy is obviously an asshole. And I am sorry but getting some girl knocked up does not make him any more of a man. I am sure his little girl is lovely but that does not add anything to what he is. Which is not much. I don't have kids but ANY single person who does should completely understand your hesitation to immediately strike up a relationship with them. As a matter of fact I would think the hesitation would be HIS since I am sure a good parent would want to make sure their current relationship is as stable as possible before introducing someone else into it. Thats a really hard thing for a kid to deal with too.

To me it sounds like he was someone who you could not satisfy because he is not someone that can be fulfilled. I cannot imagine how you could not make any man happy. You are beautiful, INCREDIBLY smart, and witty as all hell. So obviously he is a complete moron. There is something wrong with HIM. I sure you know that.

Oh and your friend is a whore, plain and simple. Its one thing to date him later on (even though I think that is still a little debatable, particularly if she was a GOOD friend of yours.) but to be posing in pictures with his child when you're barely fresh off the boat is tasteless and vile.

Drink some wine, eat some Taco Bell, and start over.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Misty_Botchery said...

ha ha, alison -- you know flattery will get you nowhere :) thanks for the nice words. i should have stuck to my guns when i had reservations about him last november. shoulda coulda woulda.

11:40 PM  
Blogger Alison said...

I am a sucker for the flattery. But I flatter not.

Send me your e-mail! I have one for you but I wasn't sure if you still use it: alison.zink@gmail.com

2:19 AM  

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