Saturday, September 17, 2005

ode to heather

yesterday's nap lasted about 6 hours. now that i'm done hibernating, i'm going to recall the events from lunch this past thursday.

i finally got to have lunch with sgt midgetti, debaucherer extraordinaire, at the local chow hall. while fucking-off in line, i accidentally emptied a glass of water on my plate of food in front of ten other patrons. i couldn't help but laugh. when i got to the table, i just tilted my plate sideways so all the water would run off. luckily, the food is so greasy that the two elements stayed separate from one another.

of course ribald conversation quickly ensued. sgt midgetti was telling me how he borrowed a new dorm mate's hard drive to download that retarded ass batman movie. instead, he came across 15 folders full of porn so he naturally had to download those, too. he went on to tell me that this kid has a shit ton of the heather deep throat girl clips. i only have two, and she's a fucking champ. ladies, we all of us can learn a lot from her technique. please don't respond with "i know all there is to know about sucking cock" - because you don't. there is always room for improvement or broadening one's horizons, and this is coming from a near perfectionist herself.

midgetti was telling me how heather and her husband run a website to make money off her fab fellatio, which i didn't know. i mean, i figured it was fairly amateur -- no cheesy music and she doesn't have hair the size of texas. but how come they never show the husband's face? is heather married to wilson from "home improvement"? any takers? please don't say it's because he has to hold the camera. this couple is obviously not camera-shy. they can pay somebody else to do the filming. midgetti also mentioned they sometimes have a 3-some with another girl in the picture.

ah, 3-somes, another point of recent interest. i asked him if he thought a 3-some comprised of 2 guys and 1 girl is gay; he said, "of course not. it's very common." i concur with this. i know a lot of guys that have done this. granted, it's not as Holy Grail as being the only man in the 3-some; well, it doesn't even really compare with Holy Grail status, but i know a lot of guys that have done it, none of whom are gay, and all of whom are very in-your-face hot-blooded, macho, crude, and lascivious american men.

i even thought about involving myself in this scenario at one point in time (i had borrowed a 6-in-1 gang bang DVD from dani-rae that picqued my interest), but to say i chickened out at the thought of being simultaneously probed by two penises is an understatement. several months ago, when i was dating T, we discussed the whole guy-to-girl 3-some ratio. not seriously, just mere conjecture.

he said the only way he would let another guy tag me at the same time as him is if it was a really good friend of his. suprisingly, this is not uncommon. i only know guys who have participated with a good friend. T said the reasoning behind this is that he would trust a friend not do something fucked-up to me, or that the friend wouldn't treat me like a piece of meat. it was strangely endearing, for lack of a better word.

when all was said and done, midgetti and i had dedicated the better part of lunch to the world of pornography. and then his phone rang - it was his wife calling. that was lunch on thursday. as always, it was a pleasure eating lunch with my favorite midget hater.

p.s. - and a ron jeremy looking spanish guy kept checking me out from the direction of the coffee bar. i wonder if that's what heather's husband looks like, which would be a perfectly acceptable reason to not show his face...