Wednesday, September 07, 2005

the welcome back wagon: you've got mail

fuck you, i know what you're thinking; no, this is not an allusion to a stupid movie i refuse to watch. it's about returning to work and all the stupid emails i will no doubt spend 3 hours of my time sifting through; it's about bored wives scheduling an appointment for a thumb sucking toddler who has a, surprise, callous on her thumb; it's about dealing with the god squad captain that is my section manager; and it's about hearing or seeing the thing we do not speak of...smeagol.

i can already see it...this is how my day will go:

0545 - break a sweat.

0630 - shower. get annoyed because the shower head still will not rise higher than 3 feet.

0715 - get downstairs. get my coffee cup. go back upstairs and make coffee.

0720 - fuck, no creamer.

0721 - fuck, no sugar.

0722 - somebody will inevitably call in sick.

0723 - fuck, i have to call the centralized computer helpdesk to have these fucking security patches installed (fuck, i just remembered that, too).

0730 - open the appointment line.

0740 - appointment line is backed-up because my computer is still incapacitated because the patches take for-fucking-ever to load.

0750 - take first sip of coffee.

0750 and a half - appointment line rings while first sip of steaming hot coffee is still in my mouth.

0800 - coffee break. good bye, be-awtches.

0830 - coffee break is done.

0831 - time to go bullshit with my immediate supervisor. sneak in as many curse words as possible since captain god squad sits adjacent to him.

0835 - go back downstairs.

0836 - get sidetracked in the hallway. welcome back, blah blah blah.

0838 - get sidetracked in the hallway, again. where's my pictionary board game, blah blah blah.

0840 - get accosted by a patient leaving the ladies' room. eeek.

0842 - get sidetracked in the hallway, again. what are you doing this weekend, blah blah blah.

0844 - get sidetracked in the hallway, again. when does PEER review begin, blah blah blah.

0846 - back at my desk. the phone, which has no doubt been quiet until this time, starts ringing off the hook.

0846 to 1030 - this is the list of shit i will no doubt hear:

1) but that's not a good time! little billy has a playdate then.

2) little billy's mom calls back to accept appointment -- she was able to reschedule his playdate...

3) um, i'm not sure, but um....ummmmm.....well, maybe you're not the person i should be talking to, but, um, i might need an appointment. should i make an appointment?

4) i just saw a special on SARS and i think i might need to come in and see the doc.

5) it's caller #4 again; she thinks she's having a heart attack now.

1030 - take another coffee break.

1045 - schedule lunches. call friends to see when they're going to lunch.

1045 to 1200 - start sifting through emails, which will no doubt be graced with the following subject lines:

1) ATTENTION: DUE YESTERDAY!

2) ATTENTION: NEW POLICY, MANDATORY REVIEW

3) ATTENTION: DON'T FORGET TO LOG YOUR WORK OUT

4) ATTENTION: DON'T FORGET TO LOG YOUR WORK OUT (REMINDER)

5) ATTENTION: REVIEW CONTACT INFO BY COB YESTERDAY

1200 to 1300 - go to lunch. subject friends to raunchy sex-life stories past and present. make lewd remarks about all the hot foreign soldiers. make fun of people if lunching with kim, and make fun of sgt midgetti if lunching with him. don't make eye contact with annoying people from work so as not to encourage an invite for lunching, especially big red. she's a big bitch.

1300 - continue checking emails. open hillarious email from danielle, fall out of my chair laughing.

1302 - send reply to danielle.

1315 - open email from zephyr. fall out of my chair laughing.

1317 - send response to zephyr.

1330 - open email from sgt midgetti. this is what it will say: good morning how are you doing their how was your holiday if you want we do lunch today.

1331 - email sgt midgetti. ask him if he has fought any midgets lately.

1332 - smeagol enters the work space. consequently, all the life is sucked out of my office.

1333 - feel the subjection of smeagol's rancid ass-breath. harness inclination to tell her to scrape her tongue. start giggling about this inclination.

1333 to 1340 - listen to smeagol engage in never-before-heard, unprecedented psycho-babble.

1341 - smeagol exits the office. breathe in clean, fresh air.

1342 - ah, zeph has replied.

1344 - ah, danielle has replied.

1346 - ah, sgt midgetti has replied.

1347 - 1400 - send replies to each of the aforementioned.

1401 - needed at the front desk.

1404 - go to the front desk. assist with aggravated patient. reiterate policy as previously described by lower ranking person.

1410 - call quality. patient doesn't feel they should have to wait 2 days for a routine well-baby check-up. they are special and above the confines of policy.

1411 - get quality's voice mail.

1412 - get patient's name and number, along with death threat and dirty stare.

1414 - shoot email to quality.

1415 - receive out-of-office automated response -- quality on tdy for 2 weeks!

1415 to 1430 - boss comes down. shoot the shit and curse liberally.

1431 - back to work. sorting emails of course.

1440 - send replies to danielle, zephyr, and sgt midgetti.

1450 to 1530 - check funny emails.

1530 - help co-worker with confusing issue.

1530 to 1600 - continue checking funny emails.

1600 to 1700 - reserved for accomplishing real work and, quite possibly, school work.

1700 to 1715 - check funny emails again. say a mental "fuck you" to all those jackasses that sent "send this chain prayer on or you will die a horrible death within the next 72 hours" emails.........

1715 - look at the clock. continue with the funnies.

1730 - secure the windows, etc. last patient is gone; time to go home.

1731 - get sidetracked in the hallway. welcome back, did you party, what'd you do, did you buy that boardgame for so-and-so, no i didn't know he called you at 0930 for a boardgame, wow, 0930, and you were partying the night before, that's uncalled for....see you tomorrow, blah blah blah.

1740 - get sidetracked in the hallway, again. when does the PEER review start, blah blah blah. same doc asking, same answer from this morning repeated.

1743 - head for the exit. make the mistake of turning around. smeagol is in the hallway with her ass inhaling her workout clothes, which are stuffed so far up her crack i swear you can see polyester hanging out of her mouth. make mental note to send email regarding smeagol's monumental wedgie to mike in MD first thing tomorrow morning...

1743 and a half - do not look wild animal in the eyes, my precious. duck and run for the cover of my car.

mark my words, this is how my day will unfold.