Saturday, August 27, 2005

the book of uncouth: scriptures from the debauched

attending mass during my childhood rendered me a speechless, giggly mess. this evening was no exception, albeit my first time in a church since christmas eve of '99. here are some things i noted:

1) the bad choir music. inevitably, there is a fat untalented wookie in an embroidered denim jumper the size of a 6-person coleman tent who thinks she has the voice of an angel, when in reality it is the voice of satan himself, minus the gratiating charm of course. for 55 minutes, the congregation is subjected to off-key latin grunting as this myth in her own mind goes on tour with charlotte church.

2) god doesn't discriminate because retarded people are invited to his house of worship, too. there was a sped seated directly in front of me. not a good vicinity to be located when you're sucking your laughter in through your tonsils and pushing it out of your nose, all the while trying not to convulse spasmodically at the retard's antics. during the first bout of praying, i thought what i heard was a seamless linda blair impression. nope, apparently retards need to pray, too.

3) the kneeling will fuck with your knees more than man's oldest profession. i don't know why catholics find it neccessary to pray in so many different positions. pick one and stick with it. prayer is communication with god, not the hokey-fucking-pokey. i don't know how the retards do it.

4) a lot of people have cold sores, which is exactly why i by-pass the chalice of "blood", which is less an unpalatable wine and more an effective toilet bowl cleaner. c'mon people, you wouldn't share your lipstick or your toothbrush; why the fuck would you swap saliva with a perfect fucking stranger, lamb of god or not?

5) the grim faced man with the offerings' plate. it doesn't matter if you attend mass in brooklyn, new york, or eureeka, kansas. the man holding the offering plate will have a look on his face quite similar to that of a 16-year old boy who made it to third base only to discover his girlfriend has a set of morals bigger than her burgeoning tits. i kid you not, this snappy-casual dresser will stare you into placing money on the plate.

6) saying the "our father" -- it gets me every time. i guess you're not supposed to hold hands with your neighbors any more. no, you just hold your hands shoulder level, palms up, and recite the most guilt inducing scripture ever designed to fleece man's pockets. sure, it's okay to put your lips on the same surface on which your brethren have placed theirs, but please, we don't take kindly to hand-holding. this must be the new pope's pet peeve; he is german, after all.

7) screaming babies. why the fuck would you bring your cranky fucking 2-year old into the house of god? for a second, i thought i had stepped foot into a daycare center this evening. fair enough if you think your child is gifted, thus able to understand what the fuck is being said and to what degree it is being expressed, but every kid is just as stupid as the jones', yet not as stupid as their parents must be since they lack the comprehension and patience in dealing with a toddler who has no interest in being loved by jesus.

8) lack of hot guys. i once heard a girlfriend say to another, "we always go to the bar looking for eligible bachelors. that's what we're doing wrong. -- let's go to church!" here's a hint in case you find your tree of knowledge greatly lacking: don't come to mass. if you're not looking to break-up an unstable 7-year marriage between a fat, balding man and his equally fat and balding wife, just. don't. do. it. keep going to the bar. at least the married guys there look good.

9) the priest is always from eastern europe and his accent makes it virtually impossible to glean any didactic meaning from the readings. "furhst, vee veel guh ower ze book of dawid anz ve veel...." if i'm not banging my head against the pressboard pew trying to to cut through his thick accent with my mental machete, i'm snickering uncontrollably while the count of transylvania speaks a pidgen english meets latin and USSRian.

10) the mass exodus upon being excused by the padre. some in the congregation act like it's a cineplex after harry potter's opening night. the pretense of both christianity and kindness are divested in one fell swoop, a purely selfish motion that could return satan to a state of heavenly bliss. aaaaah, nothing like a good room-full of christians to wax hypocritical, once again proving that treating your fellow man with common courtesy is something better suited for the pews as opposed to real life.

so, yeah, i went to mass today. hath hell frozen over??