Sunday, June 19, 2005

Dazed, But Mostly Confused

i'm seeing somebody, that i don't just want to be seeing. i want to see him and only him and i want him to want that, too. problem is, even if he does feel the same way, which i'm pretty sure he does, he's scheduled to separate in a couple of months. and this is why i'm so terribly confused...

first, i'm pissed as hell that i finally found somebody so incredibly cool to be around. i don't just get excited at the prospect of fucking him, i get excited just thinking about being around him and chilling with him. for the first time in years, i actually wanted, nay, suggested we stay in on a friday night. it's so out of character for me. and even then, the notion of seeing this relationship outlast the duration of my previous involvements does not make my chest feel tight. i don't freak out over the tedium it might bring. i'm just pissed he has to leave so soon.

i can't even begin to describe this guy. he's quite possibly the smartest person i have ever met with exception to my mother. he's blessed with boyish good looks. he's sensual. adventurous. mellow. anaylytical. deep. christ, i sound like i'm writing a harlequin. i can't remember the last time i felt this way about anybody.

i'm just really confused. i don't know what to do. i talked to dave over lunch and he said naughty would probably be relieved if i said something, but i don't want to scare him off either. i'm not going to be picky, if all he's going to give me are his last 2-3 months here, i'm going to gracefully receive it. plus, i'm afraid that if i tell him how i feel he'll be totally turned-off and write me off altogether.

well, that's all i have really. not my most well written nor thought-out post, but i haven't any other way to express my confusion.

is it possible i might be falling in-heart with somebody? aaaaaaah, just shoot me now.