Monday, June 13, 2005

The Accidental Dater

for shits and giggles, i recently joined an on-line dating service, where i spent the majority of last night sorting through all the ghastly profiles. modesty, it would seem, is a scarce commodity these days. most of the candidates were quick to flaunt their humility before launching into 3-paragraph diatribes about their good looks and infinite smarts, not to mention some of the men looked like suspects in a line-up.

after being thoroughly disheartened by the guys' photos, i decided to head on over to the lady's room to see how i racked and stacked, and what i found was no bevvy of beauties. those were some scary looking hos and the saddest part of all is they had headshots posted. who the hell, besides America's Next Top Model, pays for fucking headshots??

not 20 minutes after registering, i received an email from a would-be suitor. could it be....prince charming with redneck teeth and a von-dutch mullet? no, just another missourian.

"I would like to talk to you and see if anything transpires. What do you say. I do have pictures if you can't see the ones on my profile yet. M****!!!"

first off, i'm not going to even explain the subject line: hey there pretty lady. on top of that, this guy is separated from his wife and they have children. i certainly don't look down on him for looking around, but seriously it's tacky to flaunt it when you're still married and you look that hdomely. i can't fault him for trying...a for effort, but retarded kids will ace calculus long before this bozo gets pictures of me.

even so, M**** email was mild in comparison to the next one, a mixture of word salad vomitus so obscene that my bronchioles fused together i was laughing so hard. ladies and gentlemen, meet fez, a world reknown stalker extraordinaire who preys on nubile young women with his lethal poetry:

Hello, really it is almost impossible mission to write you Don' t you? Imagine that I can see you, I would have to go to the government to give me permission to watch a public show, like your eyes, I would have to pay it may be 1000000 Euros. If I want to listen your voice, I would have to ask permission to all music stores, that allow me listen your wonder and melody voice, in that case I would have to pay 10 euros for each word you say ; if I want to feel you I would have to pay to all Pharmacies may be 100000 Euros each one, because your body said me different birds is the Eighth Wonder in All Over The World… All my life working during 24 hours for a day isn’t enough to pay the requirements you would have… Please write me as soon as possible, may be you don ’t like I become poorest the rest of my life? Don' t you?, and please pinch me,to know I am not dreaming, if it is possible for you, with too much hot chili. Hallo,Wie geht es dir? Mein name ist Alex, Ich spreche venig Deutch, a special greeting for you since the heart of Latin American; I am from Costa Rica, in Central America, and I describe me like a typical Latin American man: short 1.70 mts, small eyes, between sugar and hot chili, between enigmatic and expressive, with happiness for life, kidding too much, good dancer of Latin rhythms as: salsa, meringue, reggae, bolero, swing; and with good sense of humor of course!, un less you want send me a tomato for a bad joke, until painting my computers red, ja, ja. I work in a family company of publicity like the general manager, and I want to know an European girl, because I will be in Deutchland for August. I hope you want know to know this little crazy man, who go for live singing and dreaming, in this case welcome to the club, welcome to my life¡ Write me about you your hobbies, your job, studies, dreams, your relatives, by the way, what’s your name? I will be waiting as the most important new in my life. Please, write me to the fallow mail address: *************@*****.com . Kkkkkkiiiiiiissssssseeeeeeeesssssssss. If the computer had not enough red for the tomatoes, may be will be full for the kisses Take care of your self A***


and then it hit me. why have on-line dating fun when i can have real fun instead. the only way to solve this dilemma was by creating a fictitious account. enter jolaine, a 23-year old divorcee with 3 kids, two of whom live with her mother and the other one lucky enough to have been adopted, and all of whom are joyless figments of my imagination:

hi im jolaine from jacksonville il. i do hair i got my license last month.i hope to style the stars hair in hollywood one day. a little about me i am very pretty people say so all the time i am very smart to and im independent and warm and i have a big heart. and i like to be very deepthinking.i have fun with my friends we party alot. im divorced i have 3 kids, two lives with my mom and her boyfriend in peoria and the other got adopted by some people its okay its a open kinda adoption i send her birthday cards some times. i brought god in to my life not to long ago and i of tried to become family orientated which is important to me since i had a bad childhood. i dance from starting at 16 after i stopped going to school but its okay i have my ged now! i am looking for my special soul mate, the ONE a man who goes to church and all and he has been to college because i need some body with good conversations and a job not like my ex . sex is important and looks are to but not as much as god being in our lifes and making us whole.i need a man who can hold me when the going gets togh and can make love to me and spoil me like a princes .my kids wont get in the way they live with my mom in peoria like i said before. are you the special onemail me if you are serious and you got good things to offer like me otherwise dont waste my time becaue i dont want a scrub like my exhusband.also i dont have membership so i cant email you i can only hit the im interested button.

simply put, i'm interested in how much attention this paragon of white trash will attract. ironically enough, she'll probably become an on-line dating phenom.